Fortitude?

March 15, 2010
Monday, 7:01 P.M.
Home

I'm not sure, I just don't know if I have the fortitude to be a good companion to a dying friend. You like to think ,when you aren't faced with the reality of it, that you would stand by them for months at a time, going shopping, cooking up little meals, tidying up the house, doing laundry, lending a shoulder on which to cry, encouraging them to go through tortuous treatments, and pretending this is nothing more than a ripple in a stream. I have a thing about not judging someone until I have walked a mile in his or her shoes and most often, I can pull off a reasonable facsimile of the mile. Not this one, try as I might, I can't possibly imagine what this girl is going through as she holds strands of her hair in her hand and lays her head down on a lonely pillow every night. Wearing a mask of good cheer and concern every time I go over there, I feel so inadequate. The conversations are stilted and the cheer is fake. Carol Ann is very depressed and that breaks through the protective barrier I build around myself and I feel the sadness creeping in on me like a mist on the ocean. I am ashamed to say that when I leave, I sigh with relief to be away from what is becoming a suffocating atmosphere. All this being said, I am spending the night with her tomorrow. I hope it helps. We are going to watch American Idol together. It's something we used to do long distance in the days BC. We would call each other on the phone back and forth during commercials and compare notes. Our taste in music really differs, so we don't usually agree on the better singer, but it's fun anyway. If it can just take her out of herself for an hour, it will be worth the trip...