Don't Go...

March 6, 2010
Saturday, 7:41 P.M.
Home

Funny how things happen. Had it not been for Professor Kinsley's requirement to earn a better grade in this course, I would never have started this blog. Now I am finding it is working as an outlet for the doubts and sadness I am feeling, especially about my buddy, Carol Ann. There is no other place for me to go or person to speak to about these things. I wondered at first what I could possibly write that would be of interest in a blog. Remembering that what I write doesn't really matter much at all makes it easier to pick topics to discuss with myself which is the purpose for which I will now use it. I will now come here to reflect on my own thoughts, no matter how fragmented or scattered. I can lay them out in black and white (or purple and white), pour my confusion and conflicting feelings all over the page where I can sit back, sort them out, and handle them one by one. I am the keeper of my own happiness.

The visit with Carol Ann today was a little emotionally difficult. The girl is sitting there telling me she wants me to have her new TV when she's gone. Then she's asking me if I like this lamp, do I like her porcelain dolls, good God, I don't want to have these kinds of conversations. "I want to have you, Carol Ann!" I want to scream at her! But I don't. I do say, "I don't want to have this conversation, but know that I will treasure whatever you may leave me and I am honored that you feel this way. But I don't want stuff, I don't want anything but to know that this summer I will sit in Carol Ann's backyard, watching the birds at the feeders she always keeps stocked for them, enjoying the beauty of the plants she has lovingly nurtured and enjoy the barbecue she will have going for us when I get there. I want to listen to her go on and on about herself and how good the food is, a quality I used to find very annoying. I want to argue about global warming and her newly found expertise in politics (she now a staunch liberal and I, a pretty strong life long conservative with liberal tendencies). I want to know that we will share music and singing together for a long time to come (she a jazz lover, me more a show tune, ballad kind of girl). I want to cry out, "Don't go Carol Ann, please don't leave me.", but I won't. I won't add that burden to her host of burdens, but my heart and soul will scream it over and over before this is done and my soul will ache for my loss...