Consternation

February 18, 2010
Thursday, 9:01 P.M.
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The show, the First 48 is on my television as I write this. The premise is the first forty eight hours of investigation after a homicide. Interesting, educational, horrifying, sad and senseless. These thoughts have filled my mind every time I hear of a life cut short by somebody else's hand. I would suppose it's a good thing that I am never able to comprehend the mindset of a person who will look into the face of a complete stranger and kill him for whatever reason is suiting his purpose at the time. If you want to rob somebody, well then if you must, rob them, then run away. If something even more deviant is on your mind, take care of your deviant business, but turn away. I don't know how their brains work, if their brains work. How does a person get to a point where he feels comfortable enough to snuff out another life? I can hardly bring myself to snuff a bug, let alone even consider another person! The victim must feel so afraid in those seconds...

I have come to believe that life doesn't end before it's supposed to; be it due to disease, old age, accident, act of God, etc. Therefore, I betray my own self when I shake my head in consternation at man's inhumanity to man. Believing that we are more than just the human form we take here on earth, I am confident in the existence of something far greater, far grander, and far more blissful than anything we experience in this world. Using that rationale, then the victim is given a gift beyond all gifts and the perpetrator of the crime has defeated his own purpose. Yet these situations never rest easily on my mind. I just can't wrap my conciousness around it the way I so easily can with the other causes of the human life ending experience. I guess that's part of the reason my mom named me Dawn and not God.

This Moment

February 17, 2010
Wednesday, 10:07 P.M.
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I am tired and I almost forgot about my blog. So, what's on my mind right this moment is that I have to do all my night time ministrations and I don't feel like it. I heard some more disturbing news today about people I care about and I'm wondering if there is something in the air causing major disruptions in my section of the universe. Of course, it isn't me who is doing the suffering, so what do I have to complain about? I don't know. Sometimes the emotional reactions to other people's difficulties amaze me. I do say to myself, "What's wrong with you, reacting this way, you aren't the one who's going to suffer with this.", yet I feel my own heart breaking with the possibility of losing someone I love. The seeming selfishness of this is an antithesis to the person I aspire to be.

The Small Stuff

February 16, 2010
Tuesday, 6:50 P.M.
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OK, I have had enough of this winter. If I never see another snowflake for the rest of my life, I certainly won't shed a tear over it. I couldn't believe I had to go out this morning and clear my car AGAIN!! (Grumble, grumble)

I still have my friend and her illness in the forefront of my mind. She faces a brain scan on Friday and I'm sure she is dreading the results. I got off the phone with her a few minutes ago. When I asked her how she is doing, she told me she had a bad day today because she was feeling sorry for herself and couldn't stop crying. She was upset with herself over it, so I reminded her that every once in a while, she has a right to feel sorry for herself. Hell, we all feel sorry for ourselves every now and then for a whole lot less than what she is facing right now. I realize how small and insignificant things like the miserable winter weather and snow really are. The girl at work that I considered a major pain last week pales in her importance in my life this week. The small stuff just doesn't deserve my negative reactions anymore. The more positive I can be about everything around me, the more positive I feel within myself and the better person I can be to anyone who is touched by me. It is awesome how free and happy I feel when I remember to live by this rule. I can't figure, for the life of me, why I allow myself to forget and slip back into the old ways.

Sign Here

February 15, 2010
Monday, 7:49 P.M.
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Coming to the end of a three day weekend, my mind is filled with thoughts of wishing I didn't have to go back to work in the morning. It's not that I have anything even remotely exciting to do instead, but I guess I'm just getting a little worn out with this employment thing. I keep on wondering what's keeping that knight in shining armor, galloping down the street on his white steed? Isn't he supposed to save me from all this and whisk me off to the castle where I will be treated like a lady, waited on and pampered, fawned over and loved till the end of my days? Instead I am sitting here printing out tax returns, making sure they are complete, attaching 'Sign Here' stickers, and stapling the returns into their very professional looking folders. You know what? Thinking about it, it's not such a bad thing. Employment is helping to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed; you know, the one where you get to put a bit of nourishment in your stomach and keep a roof over your head?

Right Now I'm Thinking...

February 14, 2010
Sunday, 11:59 A.M.
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Valentine's Day, I wonder if that 22 year old girl got all the car accessories she was expecting. I have my son's Wedding coming up and I'm thinking about the fact that I am getting a professional make-up job done. I did that once before, when I was going to my boyfriend's Senior Prom. My face was probably a whole lot easier to work on back then. Oh well...

I'll be calling Carolann when I'm finished with this entry. I think we'll be making plans for me to go to her house today. Hoping for all the right words, never mind, my mind's ear just heard that it will all just go as it should and I shouldn't dwell on it. We are friends after all, how hard can conversation be?

I love hearing answers in my mind. It really takes the pressure off and it never ceases to amaze me that it exists. I do wonder sometimes if I have become one of those people that answers to the voices telling them to do weird things, but for now, the stuff I hear is leaning on the side of good rather than evil, so I'm not too worried (maybe a little worried, nah, not too worried.)

I did one of my least favorite chores in life, this morning, the laundry at the laundromat. There should be a law that all people own a washer and dryer. What a wonderful world that would be. Then again, thank the powers that be that I can afford the laundromat, have clothes to bring to the laundromat, a car that drives to the laundromat and the health to drive the car that holds the clothes that I can afford to wash at the laundromat. Things can always be so much worse, can't they?

The Friend She Needs

February 13, 2010
Saturday, 5:10 P.M.
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Right now, at this moment, Stage IV lung cancer is on my mind. I just finished reading about the disease and the stage IV implications of it and I am sick at heart.
True friends in my life have been few and far between for a number of reasons, some of them, through my fault. Over the last ten years, thougjh, there have been two who know the real me. They know the woman who projects to the rest of the world is not the whole person. They have seen me at my weakest, at my most hopeless, and they have stood by my side anyway. They have seen me at my bitchiest and they've seen me at my best and they still love me and consider me a friend. Better yet, to their credit, they are my friends. They love and accept me with all my faults and imperfections.
Now one of them is very, very sick. She has stage IV lung cancer that has metasticized to her liver. Next week she will undergo a brain scan to see if it has attacked that part of her body. Chemotherapy is scheduled to start very shortly after that. Carolann is a unique girl. I have never known anyone quite like her.This is not to say she is perfect. She and I disagree on hosts of things political, social and otherwise, but I love her. Our differences have caused words between us and minor separations, but we have always found our ways back to each other. I've come to realize that's a large part of what friendship is all about; being able to find your way back. But, what will I do now? I am searching for the right words, the right actions, the truest formula for behaving as her friend. I want her to know she is not alone on any step of this journey, neither figuratively or literally. Someone will stand beside her as a leaning post, behind her to catch her if she falls, in front of her as a barrier to attack. I want for her whatever it is she wants and I pray to be the friend to her that she needs at the moment she needs it. God, hang with us.

What a Relief!!

February 13, 2010
2:21 P.M.
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I received a reprieve for missing my blogging this week. I can't tell you how relieved I feel. This one is brief, simply because I wanted at least something to appear in place of what I missed, but I will be back before the day is out...