March 15, 2010
Monday, 7:01 P.M.
Home
I'm not sure, I just don't know if I have the fortitude to be a good companion to a dying friend. You like to think ,when you aren't faced with the reality of it, that you would stand by them for months at a time, going shopping, cooking up little meals, tidying up the house, doing laundry, lending a shoulder on which to cry, encouraging them to go through tortuous treatments, and pretending this is nothing more than a ripple in a stream. I have a thing about not judging someone until I have walked a mile in his or her shoes and most often, I can pull off a reasonable facsimile of the mile. Not this one, try as I might, I can't possibly imagine what this girl is going through as she holds strands of her hair in her hand and lays her head down on a lonely pillow every night. Wearing a mask of good cheer and concern every time I go over there, I feel so inadequate. The conversations are stilted and the cheer is fake. Carol Ann is very depressed and that breaks through the protective barrier I build around myself and I feel the sadness creeping in on me like a mist on the ocean. I am ashamed to say that when I leave, I sigh with relief to be away from what is becoming a suffocating atmosphere. All this being said, I am spending the night with her tomorrow. I hope it helps. We are going to watch American Idol together. It's something we used to do long distance in the days BC. We would call each other on the phone back and forth during commercials and compare notes. Our taste in music really differs, so we don't usually agree on the better singer, but it's fun anyway. If it can just take her out of herself for an hour, it will be worth the trip...
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
THINK!!!
March 14, 2010
Sunday, 11:50 A.M.
Home
Last week, in my English 101 class, we had a spirited political discussion spurred on by "Zeit Geist", the movie. One of the issues brought up was the interference of the federal government in our lives. My own essay involved the government, in the guise of protector, promoting laws alien to our Constitution and easily slipping them by an unsophisticated, apathetic population. Listening to commercials over the past two or three weeks and hearing the subject brought up on one of the Sunday morning political discussion programs this morning, I am compelled to comment on the proposed soda tax the powers that be profess is in the interest of our "children" and their health. I am so sick of them and their balderdash! They are clearly stepping into our homes again, where they do not belong. Using our children has always been a key weapon in their arsenal because people are so malleable when it comes to their kids. They stop thinking and buy into the worst case scenarios being fed them. If soda and sweetened juices are going to affect the children's health, then parents, take note. Wise up and start feeding your children a healthier diet. Have we become so blindly dependent on the government to take care of us that we can't possibly come up with these solutions by ourselves?! Damn! It does NOT take a village to raise a child. It takes sensible, thinking, loving parents. That village quote comes from some African proverb, folks. They are starving in Africa. If my child is starving, I don't wait for the government and the village. I strap my baby on my back and I head out of there to find sustenance for my darling child. I will not stand by with the village watching him starve to death with all the other village children! I beg you to see, to listen, to investigate, to understand, to THINK!!
Sunday, 11:50 A.M.
Home
Last week, in my English 101 class, we had a spirited political discussion spurred on by "Zeit Geist", the movie. One of the issues brought up was the interference of the federal government in our lives. My own essay involved the government, in the guise of protector, promoting laws alien to our Constitution and easily slipping them by an unsophisticated, apathetic population. Listening to commercials over the past two or three weeks and hearing the subject brought up on one of the Sunday morning political discussion programs this morning, I am compelled to comment on the proposed soda tax the powers that be profess is in the interest of our "children" and their health. I am so sick of them and their balderdash! They are clearly stepping into our homes again, where they do not belong. Using our children has always been a key weapon in their arsenal because people are so malleable when it comes to their kids. They stop thinking and buy into the worst case scenarios being fed them. If soda and sweetened juices are going to affect the children's health, then parents, take note. Wise up and start feeding your children a healthier diet. Have we become so blindly dependent on the government to take care of us that we can't possibly come up with these solutions by ourselves?! Damn! It does NOT take a village to raise a child. It takes sensible, thinking, loving parents. That village quote comes from some African proverb, folks. They are starving in Africa. If my child is starving, I don't wait for the government and the village. I strap my baby on my back and I head out of there to find sustenance for my darling child. I will not stand by with the village watching him starve to death with all the other village children! I beg you to see, to listen, to investigate, to understand, to THINK!!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Mundane Entry
March 13, 2010
Saturday, 7:10 P.M.
Home
It's a miserable, rainy night following a dank, grey miserable rainy day. As my mom would say, "Can't think, brain's numb, inspiration won't come". For the record, I have typed three different things and erased all three of them because they were stupid. So here it is, ten minutes later and I have gone around in a circle to end up exactly where I was when I began. My plan for the evening is to make myself a nice vodka and orange juice, do some needlework and reading with one ear tuned to the TV, drink the nice vodka and orange juice, feel a little sorry for myself in my lonely state, (which will pass in short order or when the sun shines), and relieve my reader of this mundane entry. Bye, now.
Saturday, 7:10 P.M.
Home
It's a miserable, rainy night following a dank, grey miserable rainy day. As my mom would say, "Can't think, brain's numb, inspiration won't come". For the record, I have typed three different things and erased all three of them because they were stupid. So here it is, ten minutes later and I have gone around in a circle to end up exactly where I was when I began. My plan for the evening is to make myself a nice vodka and orange juice, do some needlework and reading with one ear tuned to the TV, drink the nice vodka and orange juice, feel a little sorry for myself in my lonely state, (which will pass in short order or when the sun shines), and relieve my reader of this mundane entry. Bye, now.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Happy Dance
March 12, 2010
Friday, 3:24 P.M.
Home
I'm doing a tentative happy dance for the moment. Carol Ann has changed her mind about the chemo. She is going to start the treatments again next Wednesday. Believe it or not, it's because she can't leave her cats. Know what? I don't care what the reason is as long as she has one, that reason to live, to fight on, to look toward a future. As long as she has the reason, then we can let the future take care of itself. She has two cats left. Cats have played an important part in Carol Ann's life for a very long time, long before I met her, which was fifteen years ago. The older one, Madam, is quite old with arthritis and stomach problems. Carol Ann is far more conscientious of her cats' health than she is of her own and she's dropped, not a few, bucks on their medical treatments. The younger one, Andy, is very reticent around other people. She will never come out of her hidey hole when anyone other than Carol Ann is around. So, naturally, these two are not prime candidates for finding a home if their mistress is gone. Hence, Carol Ann's decision. She is perfectly comfortable putting herself down, so to speak, but not with having the cat's put to sleep on her passing. None of us knows what the future holds. Hell, I could be in a car accident on the way to her house tomorrow and predecede her by ages! The point is we DON'T know, so shouldn't each day be lived to its fullest? We should be finding wonder in every moment we are here because the next moment, we may not be. Age has granted me a little more wisdom and I know that I don't want to waste a moment of the sunshine or bother about frivolous, unimportant matters that mean nothing in the big picture. There is nothing I need that I don't have. My friend is not giving up the fight and so I have all the reason in the world to do the happy dance.
Friday, 3:24 P.M.
Home
I'm doing a tentative happy dance for the moment. Carol Ann has changed her mind about the chemo. She is going to start the treatments again next Wednesday. Believe it or not, it's because she can't leave her cats. Know what? I don't care what the reason is as long as she has one, that reason to live, to fight on, to look toward a future. As long as she has the reason, then we can let the future take care of itself. She has two cats left. Cats have played an important part in Carol Ann's life for a very long time, long before I met her, which was fifteen years ago. The older one, Madam, is quite old with arthritis and stomach problems. Carol Ann is far more conscientious of her cats' health than she is of her own and she's dropped, not a few, bucks on their medical treatments. The younger one, Andy, is very reticent around other people. She will never come out of her hidey hole when anyone other than Carol Ann is around. So, naturally, these two are not prime candidates for finding a home if their mistress is gone. Hence, Carol Ann's decision. She is perfectly comfortable putting herself down, so to speak, but not with having the cat's put to sleep on her passing. None of us knows what the future holds. Hell, I could be in a car accident on the way to her house tomorrow and predecede her by ages! The point is we DON'T know, so shouldn't each day be lived to its fullest? We should be finding wonder in every moment we are here because the next moment, we may not be. Age has granted me a little more wisdom and I know that I don't want to waste a moment of the sunshine or bother about frivolous, unimportant matters that mean nothing in the big picture. There is nothing I need that I don't have. My friend is not giving up the fight and so I have all the reason in the world to do the happy dance.
Argentina Water
March 12, 2010
Friday, 8:08 A.M.
Home
Ah, this is nice. It's FRIDAY morning and I am at my home computer, enjoying the start of a sorely needed day off from work. How fortunate I am to have a day job that allows for vacation and personal days! Already, this morning, I have done my bookkeeping work and read my e-mail. I was hoping for some sunshine today and I'm hearing my hopes will be dashed for the entire weekend. As a matter of fact, I may have to take a rowboat to class tomorrow!
A friend of mine, a very talented piano bar entertainer, is currently contracted for six months on a cruise ship in South America. He has had the good fortune of seeing many amazing things, including Antarctica and the Christ the Redeemer statue, the icon of Rio, a 130-foot structure standing on top of 2300-foot Corcovado mountain in Rio de Janeiro harbor. He maintains a blog keeping all of his friends abreast of his travels. Occasionally he lucks out and an excursion falls into his time constraints. Such was the case when he booked what he hoped would be the excursion of a lifetime, flying over the Iguazu Falls deep inside Argentina. *("This Natural Wonder of the World had been described by the Port Lecturer as “Niagara Falls on Steroids”. A four-hour pilgrimage of bus - then airplane - then train was required to reach this place, an all-day affair that would put me back on the ship at 8PM, in time for the night’s work.") I've spoken to him often of his travels and this is probably the most excited he has ever been. Long story short, it didn't work out and the excursion was cancelled.
I found myself feeling badly for him. Then I found myself shaking my head. Carol Ann is dying, I am struggling with crushing loneliness, earthquakes are devastating the hemisphere, people are without work and in fear for their families' futures and I'm feeling badly for someone, who is cruising around the world, because he didn't get to see some stupid water in Argentina. Ain't life a bitch?
Friday, 8:08 A.M.
Home
Ah, this is nice. It's FRIDAY morning and I am at my home computer, enjoying the start of a sorely needed day off from work. How fortunate I am to have a day job that allows for vacation and personal days! Already, this morning, I have done my bookkeeping work and read my e-mail. I was hoping for some sunshine today and I'm hearing my hopes will be dashed for the entire weekend. As a matter of fact, I may have to take a rowboat to class tomorrow!
A friend of mine, a very talented piano bar entertainer, is currently contracted for six months on a cruise ship in South America. He has had the good fortune of seeing many amazing things, including Antarctica and the Christ the Redeemer statue, the icon of Rio, a 130-foot structure standing on top of 2300-foot Corcovado mountain in Rio de Janeiro harbor. He maintains a blog keeping all of his friends abreast of his travels. Occasionally he lucks out and an excursion falls into his time constraints. Such was the case when he booked what he hoped would be the excursion of a lifetime, flying over the Iguazu Falls deep inside Argentina. *("This Natural Wonder of the World had been described by the Port Lecturer as “Niagara Falls on Steroids”. A four-hour pilgrimage of bus - then airplane - then train was required to reach this place, an all-day affair that would put me back on the ship at 8PM, in time for the night’s work.") I've spoken to him often of his travels and this is probably the most excited he has ever been. Long story short, it didn't work out and the excursion was cancelled.
I found myself feeling badly for him. Then I found myself shaking my head. Carol Ann is dying, I am struggling with crushing loneliness, earthquakes are devastating the hemisphere, people are without work and in fear for their families' futures and I'm feeling badly for someone, who is cruising around the world, because he didn't get to see some stupid water in Argentina. Ain't life a bitch?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wisdom of the Words
March 11, 2010
Thursday, 6:58 P.M.
Home
"My definition of Hell? Loneliness for all eternity...", words spoken to a teenage girl by her mom another lifetime ago. At the time, I didn't have a clue as to what that meant. I was the oldest of nine kids in a single, alcoholic parent, welfare supported home and the thought of a moment alone was but an unrequited fantasy. Flash forward to this lifetime and appreciate the wisdom of the words. Loneliness, not aloneness, but empty loneliness is hell. Daily routine brings with it associations with people, your children; coworkers; shop keepers; gas station attendants; counter people; etc. with whom you spend snippets of time. These associations keep you from being alone, but they do little to ease the gnawing loneliness that comes with no significant other in your life. You know, the one who shares so many of the same interests, concerns, hopes, dreams; the one who you matter to more than any other; the one who will feel the void if you should go away; the one who leaves a void if they go away. It doesn't have to be that romantic, passionate man woman thing (though I'd never rule that out!). It is just that person, that best friend, that one other that replaces the gnawing with purpose. Carol Ann, now facing the end of her days, is lonely. She speaks of going through this disease by herself every night with noone there to stroke her brow or brush back her hair, noone to lay beside her and hold her in a comforting embrace. I know of what she speaks. I feel for her and I fear for me...
Thursday, 6:58 P.M.
Home
"My definition of Hell? Loneliness for all eternity...", words spoken to a teenage girl by her mom another lifetime ago. At the time, I didn't have a clue as to what that meant. I was the oldest of nine kids in a single, alcoholic parent, welfare supported home and the thought of a moment alone was but an unrequited fantasy. Flash forward to this lifetime and appreciate the wisdom of the words. Loneliness, not aloneness, but empty loneliness is hell. Daily routine brings with it associations with people, your children; coworkers; shop keepers; gas station attendants; counter people; etc. with whom you spend snippets of time. These associations keep you from being alone, but they do little to ease the gnawing loneliness that comes with no significant other in your life. You know, the one who shares so many of the same interests, concerns, hopes, dreams; the one who you matter to more than any other; the one who will feel the void if you should go away; the one who leaves a void if they go away. It doesn't have to be that romantic, passionate man woman thing (though I'd never rule that out!). It is just that person, that best friend, that one other that replaces the gnawing with purpose. Carol Ann, now facing the end of her days, is lonely. She speaks of going through this disease by herself every night with noone there to stroke her brow or brush back her hair, noone to lay beside her and hold her in a comforting embrace. I know of what she speaks. I feel for her and I fear for me...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Piece of Paper
March 9, 2010
Tuesday, 8:02 P.M.
Home
My baby is getting married on the 21st. Tommy is about 6'1 and 250 pounds, but at 26 years old, he remains my baby. I have mixed emotions about him becoming a husband and more than likely, a father. Even though they are both in their late 20s, I'm afraid that neither one of these children is ready for all that being spouses and parents entails. They have lived together for five years and are convinced that being married won't be any different. They aren't taking into consideration all the responsibility that suddenly comes with that "piece of paper". They are dealing with issues within themselves that should be worked out before they take this giant step, but as we all know, I'm just Mom, what do I know? On the other hand, maybe this will bring on the epiphany I have always longed for for my son. Maybe he will realize what a brilliant, talented, artistic, bright, funny, wonderful man he is and will treat himself that way. Maybe he will be the supportive, loving husband and father I have always known he can be and feared he wouldn't. Maybe Mom is wrong. Wouldn't that be great?
Tuesday, 8:02 P.M.
Home
My baby is getting married on the 21st. Tommy is about 6'1 and 250 pounds, but at 26 years old, he remains my baby. I have mixed emotions about him becoming a husband and more than likely, a father. Even though they are both in their late 20s, I'm afraid that neither one of these children is ready for all that being spouses and parents entails. They have lived together for five years and are convinced that being married won't be any different. They aren't taking into consideration all the responsibility that suddenly comes with that "piece of paper". They are dealing with issues within themselves that should be worked out before they take this giant step, but as we all know, I'm just Mom, what do I know? On the other hand, maybe this will bring on the epiphany I have always longed for for my son. Maybe he will realize what a brilliant, talented, artistic, bright, funny, wonderful man he is and will treat himself that way. Maybe he will be the supportive, loving husband and father I have always known he can be and feared he wouldn't. Maybe Mom is wrong. Wouldn't that be great?
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