February 25, 2010
Thursday, 5:45 P.M.
Home
More grey skies, more wet weather, why did God invent February? Why do the winters get longer and the summers get shorter as I get older? Please hurry up and get here Spring. I am so thirsty for warm, sunny, blue skied days filled with the scent of flowers and fresh cut grass, baseball games with the aroma of hotdogs and peanuts, leafy trees filled with trilling birds, long walks through my neighborhood listening to lawn mowers, smelling barbecues and seeing life renewing itself all around me. I just can't wait more than another five weeks.
Zeitgeist is calling my name tonight. Having watched half of it, I already have three pages, front and back, of notes to research, trying to prove (or disprove) what they are referring to as myth. I'm almost afraid to see the last half, their idea of the truth. Don't misunderstand me. My mind is not closed to what I am seeing in this film, but so far it is a difficult watch. It seems to be attempting to shatter illusions that I have carried around with me for as long as I can remember. As a lapsed Catholic, I have come to my own ideas about organized religion, but I have a strong faith in a greater being, who I choose to call God. I have always had questions surrounding Jesus, but I have believed that at the least, he was a good, kind, compassionate, special, spiritual man who actually existed 2000 years ago. It never occurred to me that he never existed at all! Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?
So I'm headed off now to explore new territory, but as Arnold said, "I'll be back".
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
High C
February 24, 2010
Wednesday, 7:33 P.M.
Home
For the better part of two years, with a couple of slips here and there, I have been a non-smoker. I smoked for forty two years and tried everything that was recommended to me to aid in quitting. I first tried the patch, useless. I tried the gum, a little better, but not good enough. I sat in a hypnotist's chair and proceeded to find out I can't be hypnotized (had to pay him anyway). I got a prescription for Zyban (now Wellbutrin) and though I was calm, I still wanted to smoke and did. Over and over again, you hear people say that you'll stop when you are ready. Well, what the hell does that mean? I was ready for twenty years, hence, the patch, the gum, the hypnotist, the Zyban!! The trick is, you'll stop when you recognize what it is that is worth stopping for. Not that my kids aren't worth stopping for, I don't mean that. It is that one trigger in your nicotine and tar filled brain that is finally pulled and you have the aha moment. My aha moment was when I couldn't hit the notes on the other end of the musical scale anymore. Not only had I lost the high C's, I had lost the medium A's and B's. Bam! The only reason for that is the damn cigarettes. Bam! Quitting will stop the decline in vocal range. Bam! You might even get back some of what you've lost. Bam! Bam! Bam! Quit, already. Okay, I will. Two years later, my nicotine lozenges and I have conquered the cigarette. A few months ago, I tried to quit the lozenges too, but there came a moment when I was going to buy a pack of cigarettes and I bought the trusty lozenges instead. Will I be dependent on them the rest of my life? Who knows? Do I really care? I'm close to hitting high C again.
Wednesday, 7:33 P.M.
Home
For the better part of two years, with a couple of slips here and there, I have been a non-smoker. I smoked for forty two years and tried everything that was recommended to me to aid in quitting. I first tried the patch, useless. I tried the gum, a little better, but not good enough. I sat in a hypnotist's chair and proceeded to find out I can't be hypnotized (had to pay him anyway). I got a prescription for Zyban (now Wellbutrin) and though I was calm, I still wanted to smoke and did. Over and over again, you hear people say that you'll stop when you are ready. Well, what the hell does that mean? I was ready for twenty years, hence, the patch, the gum, the hypnotist, the Zyban!! The trick is, you'll stop when you recognize what it is that is worth stopping for. Not that my kids aren't worth stopping for, I don't mean that. It is that one trigger in your nicotine and tar filled brain that is finally pulled and you have the aha moment. My aha moment was when I couldn't hit the notes on the other end of the musical scale anymore. Not only had I lost the high C's, I had lost the medium A's and B's. Bam! The only reason for that is the damn cigarettes. Bam! Quitting will stop the decline in vocal range. Bam! You might even get back some of what you've lost. Bam! Bam! Bam! Quit, already. Okay, I will. Two years later, my nicotine lozenges and I have conquered the cigarette. A few months ago, I tried to quit the lozenges too, but there came a moment when I was going to buy a pack of cigarettes and I bought the trusty lozenges instead. Will I be dependent on them the rest of my life? Who knows? Do I really care? I'm close to hitting high C again.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Other Alternative
February 23, 2010
Tuesday, 5:40 P.M.
Home
I just received an e-mail from my per diem boss testing me on algebra! He sent me an accounting example to set up as an equation. How is that for support? I don't know whether to react with, " Are you kidding me?" or "Aren't you thoughtful?" I guess I'll wait to see how easily the solution comes to me.
Taking a shower when I came home from work, I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair when visions of my girlfriend undergoing chemotherapy tomorrow came to me. Things so taken for granted day after day loom so much larger under less ordinary circumstances. I can't imagine losing my hair, having it fall out in clumps until there is nothing left. For someone who considers herself such a compassionate and empathetic person, I am ashamed of myself. I realize how insignificant a head of hair is in relation to extending one's life and still, I shudder at the thought. I am behaving like a self absorbed, spoiled, and shallow bimbo and I don't know how to fix it. If I ever become afflicted with this disease, I am not sure I would put myself through what Carol Ann is facing and what millions of others, including my sister have endured. I'm pretty certain I would take the other alternative.
Tuesday, 5:40 P.M.
Home
I just received an e-mail from my per diem boss testing me on algebra! He sent me an accounting example to set up as an equation. How is that for support? I don't know whether to react with, " Are you kidding me?" or "Aren't you thoughtful?" I guess I'll wait to see how easily the solution comes to me.
Taking a shower when I came home from work, I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair when visions of my girlfriend undergoing chemotherapy tomorrow came to me. Things so taken for granted day after day loom so much larger under less ordinary circumstances. I can't imagine losing my hair, having it fall out in clumps until there is nothing left. For someone who considers herself such a compassionate and empathetic person, I am ashamed of myself. I realize how insignificant a head of hair is in relation to extending one's life and still, I shudder at the thought. I am behaving like a self absorbed, spoiled, and shallow bimbo and I don't know how to fix it. If I ever become afflicted with this disease, I am not sure I would put myself through what Carol Ann is facing and what millions of others, including my sister have endured. I'm pretty certain I would take the other alternative.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A Line or Two
February 22, 2010
Monday, 9:44 P.M.
Home
Won't bore you with the details, but man, this was a long day! Super short entry tonight, I'm just so tired.
Monday, 9:44 P.M.
Home
Won't bore you with the details, but man, this was a long day! Super short entry tonight, I'm just so tired.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Man's Work
February 21, 2010
Sunday, 5:04 P.M.
Home
So, at 4:00 this morning when I awakened and couldn't fall back to sleep, I found myself in front of my computer watching Zeitgeist, The Movie. As I wrote in the notes I was taking, Ouch!! Without giving away too much of my essay, I have to say that if I were a devout Christian, I may have been very upset over part of "the myth". All of this film, to the end of the myth, which is as far as I have gotten, is a very difficult watch. I spent two and a half hours going back and taking copious notes as it went along so that I can do some research on the subject matter. A blindly patriotic person will have some real problems too and both the Christian and the patriot may take offense. It will be interesting to hear the takes of my classmates on this controversial piece.
I returned from my future daughter in law's Bridal Shower a little while ago. You know what? I hate those things, bridal showers, baby showers, tupperware parties, Pampered Chef, candle parties, wood parties, makeup parties, etc., etc.... No matter how hard the hostess tries or how much you care about the celebrant, these things are incredibly boring. I have never been a girly girl kind of woman. I am much more comfortable in the role of a tomboy, prefering siding a house or doing roofing to getting my nails done and worrying about my haircuts. Home Depot is far more of a draw than Macy's or Bath and Body Works. Doing what is traditionally man's stuff is fun! One of the coolest things in life when we were little kids, was getting filthy dirty and when you do man things like working on the car or construction projects or rototilling the ground, you get to be filthy dirty and have the satisfaction of accomplishing something. Yeah, that's what I'd rather do on a Sunday afternoon.
Sunday, 5:04 P.M.
Home
So, at 4:00 this morning when I awakened and couldn't fall back to sleep, I found myself in front of my computer watching Zeitgeist, The Movie. As I wrote in the notes I was taking, Ouch!! Without giving away too much of my essay, I have to say that if I were a devout Christian, I may have been very upset over part of "the myth". All of this film, to the end of the myth, which is as far as I have gotten, is a very difficult watch. I spent two and a half hours going back and taking copious notes as it went along so that I can do some research on the subject matter. A blindly patriotic person will have some real problems too and both the Christian and the patriot may take offense. It will be interesting to hear the takes of my classmates on this controversial piece.
I returned from my future daughter in law's Bridal Shower a little while ago. You know what? I hate those things, bridal showers, baby showers, tupperware parties, Pampered Chef, candle parties, wood parties, makeup parties, etc., etc.... No matter how hard the hostess tries or how much you care about the celebrant, these things are incredibly boring. I have never been a girly girl kind of woman. I am much more comfortable in the role of a tomboy, prefering siding a house or doing roofing to getting my nails done and worrying about my haircuts. Home Depot is far more of a draw than Macy's or Bath and Body Works. Doing what is traditionally man's stuff is fun! One of the coolest things in life when we were little kids, was getting filthy dirty and when you do man things like working on the car or construction projects or rototilling the ground, you get to be filthy dirty and have the satisfaction of accomplishing something. Yeah, that's what I'd rather do on a Sunday afternoon.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Satisfaction
February 20, 2010
Saturday, 5:30 P.M.
Home
What a satisfying day this has been! How often do we get the opportunity to say that? The morning started with a temperature over the freezing mark for the first time since I don't remember when. The sun was shining and the dirty snow was melting. The roads were dry and you can actually see the ground peeking through on the parkways. All in all, a really nice start to the day. This morning's class essay was about our memories of 9/11/01 and I heard some terrific essays read by their authors. At the end of class, we received our marked ghost papers and I got a 100! Not only that, but a very complimentary comment from my professor. Damn, that felt good. As I was packing up to go, one of my classmates approached me to comment on my writing in a glowing way. It is so flattering when someone goes out of their way to say something nice to, and about, you. She helped to make my day. I do have to say, though, that I almost feel guilty taking good grades and kind words for the writings I create because it's almost as if I don't do the writing. There is some kind of deep well within me, a spot so sensitive and fine that seems to send the messages to my fingers as they fly across the paper, coming up with words that spring from my page with a certain emotional bent. I am comfortable with taking credit for the grammar, the spelling, the form and even the edited words, but the concepts are as from a dream and I'm not certain it's fair to call them Dawn's...
From school, I headed to CarolAnn's house, stopping to pick up a nice big cup of 7-11 coffee to get me through the trip and the chores I intended to tackle when I got there. As I took Exit 17S from the Southern State Parkway, the cup tipped, I thought I saved it, then lost my grip and popped off the top spilling my precious brown liquid all over my pants. (Sure was glad I wore the black instead of the light grey I originally planned on!) CarolAnn is not a big coffee drinker and I knew I wouldn't get any there, but oh well, I had faith that I could make it through. Anyway, it was good to see her. The terrific news is that the cancer has NOT spread to her brain, but is confined to the lung and the liver. Monday brings her the implantation of a port and Wednesday starts chemo. We shall see, but anyway, the satisfying stuff is being there for somebody you love and you know loves you. It is often said, that you get what you give, but the truth is, you get so much more than what you give. The words to describe what it is you feel when you give of yourself without a thought for payback or reward, have not yet been written, for there are no words to describe the feeling. It is beyond all else, even sex, and for me, that's really saying something!!!
Saturday, 5:30 P.M.
Home
What a satisfying day this has been! How often do we get the opportunity to say that? The morning started with a temperature over the freezing mark for the first time since I don't remember when. The sun was shining and the dirty snow was melting. The roads were dry and you can actually see the ground peeking through on the parkways. All in all, a really nice start to the day. This morning's class essay was about our memories of 9/11/01 and I heard some terrific essays read by their authors. At the end of class, we received our marked ghost papers and I got a 100! Not only that, but a very complimentary comment from my professor. Damn, that felt good. As I was packing up to go, one of my classmates approached me to comment on my writing in a glowing way. It is so flattering when someone goes out of their way to say something nice to, and about, you. She helped to make my day. I do have to say, though, that I almost feel guilty taking good grades and kind words for the writings I create because it's almost as if I don't do the writing. There is some kind of deep well within me, a spot so sensitive and fine that seems to send the messages to my fingers as they fly across the paper, coming up with words that spring from my page with a certain emotional bent. I am comfortable with taking credit for the grammar, the spelling, the form and even the edited words, but the concepts are as from a dream and I'm not certain it's fair to call them Dawn's...
From school, I headed to CarolAnn's house, stopping to pick up a nice big cup of 7-11 coffee to get me through the trip and the chores I intended to tackle when I got there. As I took Exit 17S from the Southern State Parkway, the cup tipped, I thought I saved it, then lost my grip and popped off the top spilling my precious brown liquid all over my pants. (Sure was glad I wore the black instead of the light grey I originally planned on!) CarolAnn is not a big coffee drinker and I knew I wouldn't get any there, but oh well, I had faith that I could make it through. Anyway, it was good to see her. The terrific news is that the cancer has NOT spread to her brain, but is confined to the lung and the liver. Monday brings her the implantation of a port and Wednesday starts chemo. We shall see, but anyway, the satisfying stuff is being there for somebody you love and you know loves you. It is often said, that you get what you give, but the truth is, you get so much more than what you give. The words to describe what it is you feel when you give of yourself without a thought for payback or reward, have not yet been written, for there are no words to describe the feeling. It is beyond all else, even sex, and for me, that's really saying something!!!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Such a Jumble!
February 19, 2010
Friday, 7:36 P.M.
Home
Has anybody else noticed that the post time on this blog is way off the time that we actually post it? I guess that makes sense if they are based on the west coast, I have my future daughter in law's bridal shower on Sunday, I haven't gotten her a thing and I have no idea what to get her, I am having such a hard time figuring it out that I probably won't get anything until later when I find out what the kids really want,I'm going to make a marvelous mother in law, don't you think?
Why is it that I can't stop my mind from running all over the place all day long and then when I get to the assignment for the blog, my mind goes blank, that's what I am thinking of right this moment, hmmm, let me see, there must be more in there, I should have stopped at the cleaners on the way home from work to pick up my suit, the check from the accountant I do part time bookkeeping work for couldn't be cashed at the bank tonight because he forgot to sign it, I did get gas though, so I don't have to worry about it in the morning before I go to class, I should find out if that girl got her Valentine/Birthday present, was I that way when I was her age, sure hope not, no, I'm sure I wasn't, our circumstances are so different, I shouldn't assume that unless I have walked a mile in her shoes, etc., etc., etc....
Friday, 7:36 P.M.
Home
Has anybody else noticed that the post time on this blog is way off the time that we actually post it? I guess that makes sense if they are based on the west coast, I have my future daughter in law's bridal shower on Sunday, I haven't gotten her a thing and I have no idea what to get her, I am having such a hard time figuring it out that I probably won't get anything until later when I find out what the kids really want,I'm going to make a marvelous mother in law, don't you think?
Why is it that I can't stop my mind from running all over the place all day long and then when I get to the assignment for the blog, my mind goes blank, that's what I am thinking of right this moment, hmmm, let me see, there must be more in there, I should have stopped at the cleaners on the way home from work to pick up my suit, the check from the accountant I do part time bookkeeping work for couldn't be cashed at the bank tonight because he forgot to sign it, I did get gas though, so I don't have to worry about it in the morning before I go to class, I should find out if that girl got her Valentine/Birthday present, was I that way when I was her age, sure hope not, no, I'm sure I wasn't, our circumstances are so different, I shouldn't assume that unless I have walked a mile in her shoes, etc., etc., etc....
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